Base Camp starts this week

What if instead of viewing divorce as a failure or tragedy, we could learn to view it as an opportunity for discovery and expansion?  What if we could view divorce not as a milestone, but as a stepping stone to becoming the person we are meant to be, a stepping stone to creating the life we truly want?  This is what we explore in Base Camp, the introductory series on the Journey of Divorce.

On Thursday, a new group will come together for the holiday Base Camp. This year, we are trying something new…offering the six week series during the holiday so we can support our community through a potentially stressful time of the year. And since only so many people can fit into the comfortable setting we offer, we thought we would focus this blog on parts of what we teach during the workshops. That way, we can support our entire community and assist you in experiencing the best possible holiday season.

So stay tuned…

Finding Your Personal Power in Divorce

During my divorce, I struggled desperately with a pervasive, frightening sense of being unmoored and out of control. I felt whipped around by my ex’s actions, my emotions and the events swirling around me. One minute I was swept away with uncontrollable rage; the next, paralyzed with grief. I’d lost my center and my direction. Lost control over my life, my future, my self.

I have found this sense of powerlessness to be a common experience with divorcing individuals. The process itself is unsettling and life changing. Toss in erratic emotion and you have a recipe for a disempowering disaster. But fortunately, I’ve also witnessed my clients’ journeys to regain (or discover) their personal power.

How does this happen? How do you regain your sense of personal power when you feel so out of control?

Step One:  Recognize you always have choice.

Personal power comes from the recognition that you always have choice. While you may not have control over the events happening around you, you ALWAYS have a choice in how you respond and what those events will mean for your life.

For example: your husband left you for another woman. Understandably, this is a very difficult experience; it needs (and deserves) to be mourned appropriately. But you also can choose what this experience will mean for your life: Will you become angry, bitter, closed off from life? Or will you examine your contribution to the relationship – both the good and the bad? Will you use the experience, or will it use you? It all depends on the choices you make. That’s personal power.

Step Two:  Learn to Set Boundaries and say No.

But what if your spouse is a “controlling person”? How do you deal with them on their level? First, ask yourself: Do I want to deal with them on their level? When I look back on this, will I be proud of myself? Can this moment expand me – challenge me to grow in patience, clarity, wisdom, compassion, courage?

Second, you need to know that “controlling” doesn’t exist. It’s how you’ve interpreted some specific behavior. To be effective in setting boundaries, you need to see the behavior, not your interpretations of it. Does the other person lie? Break promises? Treat you rudely? Have strong opinions? What is the exact behavior you’re labeling “controlling”? Then learn to set limits and consequences for that specific behavior.

Step Three:  Know what you need, and make requests.

The flip side of saying “no” is asking for what you need. To do this, you need: clarity  about what you want/need, balanced with concern for the other person’s needs. In a divorce, most people only focus on getting THEIR needs met. But as we all know, that attitude simply sets up the next round of retaliation and win/lose. It takes wisdom and practice to hold another person’s needs equally important AND work towards a win/win. But it’s the only reliable path to getting what you need in the long run.

Step 4:  Honor your uniqueness, and contribute it to the world.

Nothing provides a deeper sense of personal power than contributing your self and your gifts to the world. Most of us were raised to believe it’s arrogant to acknowledge our strengths, so we exhibit an over-active “humility” that holds us back. As a result, our lives lack a sense of purpose and power. Learn to cultivate your unique gifts, and find ways to make a difference, in small ways, every day.

As Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says, “Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something.It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions.It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones.”

That’s a personal power we all can cultivate.

But I Didn’t Want To Hurt You . . .

I often hear this from clients:

“I didn’t tell my wife I was unhappy because I didn’t want to hurt her.”

“I haven’t told my children I’m sick because I don’t want them to worry.”

“I can’t tell my boyfriend I want to see other people because he’d be upset.”

In other words: “I can’t tell you the truth because I don’t want to hurt you . . .”

You have probably used this reasoning yourself, as justification for not speaking your truth.  I know I have.  The irony is that in trying to “protect you” by not speaking my truth, I am lying to you.  This causes enormous damage, not only to me, but to those I love, the very people I am trying to “protect”.

I first saw this with stunning clarity after my marriage ended.  I realized (with the help of a good coach) that I had spent years withholding from my husband just how unhappy I was, because “I didn’t want to hurt him”.  This withholding eventually led to the chain of events that ended our marriage.  And of course, he was deeply hurt, despite my attempts to “protect him”.  The truth will out eventually. 

So I know first-hand the devastation that is caused when we don’t speak our truth out of fear of hurting or angering someone.  The intention is good, perhaps, but it is based on an incorrect premise:  That I am responsible for how you feel. 

 Our feelings are determined by our thoughts.  Feelings are not “caused” by something outside of me.  You don’t “make” me angry – I get angry based on my thoughts about what you’ve said or done*.

A simple example:  Your ex is late (again) to pick up the kids.  How do you react?  With anger? (How can he be so inconsiderate of my time?)  With worry? (I wonder if something awful has happened!)  Or perhaps with pleasure? (This gives me a few more minutes with the kids).  One action, three different responses, based on your interpretation of the event.    

You are not responsible for my feelings.  And am I not responsible for yours.

In his book NonViolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg calls this confusion emotional slavery, where I think I’m responsible for your feelings, and I hold you responsible for mine.  The path to emotional freedom, he says, is to remember whose feelings I AM responsible for – my own.  I am responsible for generating them (by the thoughts that I think), understanding them, and learning from them.

The mistaken belief that I am responsible for your feelings (and you for mine) destroys my authentic self-expression and my sense of personal power.  It makes me a “victim” of your actions. It keeps the truth hidden and stops the flow of Life.  Out of fear of “hurting” you, I pretend that things are different than they really are. And you do the same with me.  We are all lying to each other, out of a false belief that we are protecting one another from pain.

This I know:  when I withhold my voice, my truth, I betray myself  And when I betray myself, I betray you.  So, the only way I can “hurt” you is by not being true to myself.  I’m reminded of Shakespeare’s words:

This above all:  to thine own self be true.  And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.

One last piece: 

The other day, my lover admitted that he had kept something from me, because he thought it might upset me.  This is my response:  If I become upset by your truth . . . so what?  I’m a big girl.  I can handle a little upset.  (Can you?)  Don’t patronize me by “protecting” me from your truth.  Give me the truth, and allow me my reaction.  Let me make the best decisions for me, based on your truth for you.   That is real love:  honoring me enough to tell me the truth.  Having the courage to face my reaction.  Not “protecting me” with withholds.    

The truth allows the future to unfold as it is meant to unfold.  My mentor used to say:  “The truth WILL set you free, but first it will piss you off.”  Allow your loved ones room for their emotions in response to your truth.  Be true to yourself, true to your loved ones, and true to the unfolding of Life.

 * There is a great deal of literature on this topic.  If you are interested in learning more, one good place to begin is Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence.  Or for a simple introduction, go to: http://www.mental-health-survival-guide.com/cognitive-therapy.htm

Are You a Survivor or an Enhancer?

When Theresa’s husband of 15 years announced he wanted a divorce, she was devastated. She says, “I couldn’t believe he was throwing away the life we had. He said he wasn’t happy. Well, I wasn’t happy either, but I was willing to stick it out! But I’m strong – I got through it. It was the worst time of my life, but I’ve moved on and put it behind me.” But has she?

Six years later, rather than co-parenting, Theresa and Alex “parallel-parent,” each one doing their own thing, with little communication between them. When asked about Alex, Theresa’s expression becomes tight-lipped and drawn. She still blames him for the failure of the marriage. Now remarried, she and her new husband, Tad, have a good relationship, but they often fight about the same issues that plagued her first marriage.

Barbara has a similar story, with a different ending. When Dan left her for another woman after 22 years of marriage, it sent Barbara reeling on an emotional roller coaster of rage, depression, blame, and self-pity. But after about a year, she shook herself off and began to reconstruct her life. She returned to school for accounting classes she’d always wanted to take. She moved into a smaller home and redecorated according to her own tastes. And, she attended therapy to learn about herself, and her role in the marriage.

Three years later, Barbara’s life is rich and full. After a contentious divorce, she and Dan have settled into an amicable co-parenting relationship. She enjoys her new bookkeeping job. And she is in the early days of a budding romance, in which she says she is “practicing some new relationship skills” that she realized she didn’t have in her marriage with Dan. She says the divorce ”turned out to be a surprisingly positive change for my life.  I would never have chosen this path, but Dan’s leaving was the push I needed to ask myself some tough questions: What did I want for my life? What was I good at? Not so good at? What could I learn from my marriage that might help me have a better relationship in the future? The divorce turned out to be the catalyst for my own personal growth”.

Barbara is what Dr. Mavis Hetherington calls an Enhancer. In her book For Better or For Worse, Hetherington describes Enhancers as those who use their divorce experience to expand themselves and their lives. Based on 30 years of research, Hetherington says that about 20% of divorcing people fall into this category (and most of these are women).

Theresa and those like her are Survivors, the 40% who get through the divorce experience pretty much the same as they were before. They rebuild their lives relatively successfully, but, years later these Survivors find that the same issues and frustrations, the same arguments and disappointments, have followed them to the next phase of life. Survivors move on, but they miss the opportunity to learn about themselves or enrich their lives.

If you are traveling the road of divorce, you may be wondering: What makes the difference? What are the keys to being an Enhancer rather than a Survivor?

Based on my research and the experiences of those in our Journey of Divorce workshops, there are four key elements to being an Enhancer:

1. Set your compass. I call this “answering the one question”. Your one question may go something like this: What do I want the divorce experience to contribute to my life? What do I want to learn? Who do I want to be when this is over? Reflecting upon these questions (and the answers that arise) will keep you on a path of learning.
2. Accept Responsibility. For your self, for your life, for your part of the breakdown of the marriage. You can’t learn if you don’t accept responsibility. “Victims” don’t become Enhancers.
3. Find Support. The John (and Jane) Waynes who want to solve their problems alone don’t do well in divorce. Enhancers seek support from friends, family, clergy, therapists – people who provide comfort plus objective feedback, and who challenge them when they succumb to ex-bashing or self-pity.
4. Repeat. The experience of divorce is a rollercoaster – one day you feel strong and capable, the next overwhelmed and depressed. Enhancers repeat steps 1-3 many times over the course of their divorce journey, sometimes daily. Resist being discouraged by the downturns in the rollercoaster. Return to Step 1.

Are You Ready for Love Again?

After a divorce or break-up of a significant relationship, you may wonder when the time is right to “get back in the game” of dating. Begin too soon and you will destine yourself to repeat the mistakes of your past. Wait too long and you may find yourself settling for the familiar (but unsatisfying) habits of solitary life. Timing is important.

 

Usually, when a person jumps into dating soon after ending a relationship, it signals an attempt to avoid the pain of the current break-up. This is very normal, and in fact, is often encouraged by friends and family. They urge us to “get over him/her”, after all, there are “plenty of fish in the sea”. The idea is that the quicker you can replace the lost relationship, the happier you will be.

 

This is bad advice.  Let me say it another way:  This is terrible advice. 

 

For starters, the ending of a relationship is a loss that requires grieving. We are not comfortable with grieving in our culture. We are a “feel good fast” society, impatient with the natural ebb and flow of emotion. We want — indeed, we expect — to feel “good” all the time, and when we don’t, we rush to anything that will quickly have us feeling better.

 

So instead of allowing our grief to express itself, we stuff it, avoid it, medicate it. We use alcohol, television, work and gossiping and  . . . dating.  But a loss un-grieved is a loss unhealed. It has been well documented that repressed emotion such as grief wreaks havoc with our emotional and physical health. It manifests, eventually, in issues such as depression, ulcers or insomnia. So before you begin a new relationship, you want to make sure you’ve given yourself adequate time and space to grieve and heal the old one.

 

There is another significant test for whether you are ready to date:  have you done the work to learn your lessons from the past relationship?  Experience alone does not make you wise. Gathering wisdom takes time and focused reflection, and often, an outside perspective. As obvious as it may sound, you can’t see what you can’t see. So, you may need an objective perspective (minister, coach, best friend, hairdresser) to help you make sense of the lessons of your relationship and breakup.

 

To determine your readiness to date, assess yourself in the following categories (and be rigorously honest in your answers!):

 

• Letting go:   Is there any part of you that hopes or fantasizes about reconciliation? Do you dwell on what did or didn’t happen? Do you “need” something from your ex for “closure” – an explanation, apology, admission of guilt? Do you still relate your ex’s faults on a regular basis to your friends and family?
• Emotional connection:  Are you emotionally hooked by your ex’s every action? Are you automatically triggered when you see his name on the caller id? 
• Realistic view:  Do you have enough emotional distance to see your ex in a balanced way?  To see his light and dark, her gifts and faults?
• Role in break-up:  Have you done the work to understand your part in the break-up? Even if the other person lied, cheated or stole, a relationship is ALWAYS a two-way street. You need to be able to see what part you played to learn from the experience.
• Alone time:  Have you learned to be happy alone? When we date because we don’t want to (or are afraid of) being alone, we make poor choices just to avoid spending another Saturday night by ourselves.
• Resilience:  Are you strong enough to handle rejection? With dating inevitably comes rejection: some people you want to date won’t want to date you. Or the rebound relationship may not last.  Are you emotionally ready and sturdy enough to handle another breakup at this point?

 

If, after careful reflection, you determine you are ready to get back in the game, congratulations! Take your newly gained wisdom with you and use your insight to create the relationship you truly want. 

 

Or, if you decide you’re not quite ready, congratulations also. Doing the personal work NOW is critical to the success of any future relationship. Acknowledge yourself for taking on this personal learning, and honor your own timing. Because there is no right time, only the right time for you!

The Best Gift of All: Children, Divorce and the Holidays

The holidays can be a particularly stressful time for kids when their parents are newly separated or divorced.  Children may feel some anxiety about what exactly is going to happen:  where will they spend the holidays?  Will they get to see a favorite grandparent or cousin?  Will their parents fight?  They are also likely to feel sadness and longing for “how things used to be”.  And, they worry about their parents, particularly the parent they are not with for the day.

 

Here are some tips to help you give your children the best gift of all:  a peaceful, happy holiday season:

 

Have a Plan, and Tell the Kids.  Make sure you have agreed upon a holiday schedule and communicate it well before the holiday arrives. Many people have this documented in the divorce agreement.  But for those newly separated, it’s important to clarify this so the kids know the plan and know that the parents are in agreement.

 

Avoid Bouncing.  Be careful not to overwhelm the children by having them ‘bounce’ from house to house on a holiday. (For example, Thanksgiving Brunch at Mom’s, dinner at Dad’s, and dessert at Grandma’s, is too overwhelming logistically and emotionally for most children).  It’s important to give them time to settle in and enjoy the day.  If at all possible, allow them to spend the full day with one parent, and alternate that holiday the following year. 

 

Anticipate Their Feelings.  The children will be missing the parent who is absent, as well as extended family from that parent’s side.  They will also likely be sad about the fact that things are different this year than in the past.  Let them know that it’s okay to feel sad.  Help them to connect with the other parent and missing relatives if possible (a phone call or email).

 

Reassure them that you are OK.  If your children will be with your ex for the day, they may be worrying about you.  Let them know that although you will miss them, you will be fine.  Tell them what your plans are (make sure you have plans!). 

 

Let them enjoy the holiday with your ex.  If you are not the parent who is hosting the holiday it’s important that you make the children feel good about their upcoming holiday experience. Wish them a good time when they are not with you.  Encourage them to create new traditions with your ex.  Reassure them that it’s okay for them to enjoy their time with the other parent.

 

Following these tips can help to provide your children a stress-free, happy holiday season – the best gift of all.

 

 

On Being The Captain of Your Character

                                                                                               

Though not the master of one’s fate, one may still be captain of one’s soul.

                                    – Philip Brickman

 

Divorce can bring out the worst in people:  your ex (or his sister or her best friend) calls you unflattering names.  Or you discover your ex has misrepresented his finances or broken the terms of your custody agreement.  Or a couple you once considered good friends are now avoiding your calls.

 

Most of us will face a situation like this sometime in our divorce journey, a situation that triggers deep and powerful emotion.  And most of us will be tempted to react in kind, to fight fire with fire.  It’s only fair, we think.  They started it, we think.  I have to defend myself, we think.  The only sensible option – indeed the only option at all – seems to be to follow their lead and play their game.

 

Most of us set out on this divorce journey vowing to take the high road, to do it better, behave better, than the average divorcing couple.  And yet we find ourselves in the middle of some hard, emotionally charged situation and every fiber of our being wants to strike back.

 

This is the choice point. The fork in the road where you get to choose Who You Are, and Who You Want To Be.

 

Down one fork:  retaliate in kind.  Return deceit with deceit, criticism with criticism, cruelty with cruelty.  This path is very seductive.  And it offers enormous emotional relief.  Temporarily.    

 

But just like a drink for an alcoholic, or an ice cream for a sugar addict, the immediate rush of relief is intoxicating, but brief.  And it is followed, inevitably, by remorse and guilt.  Why?  Because this choice is not in alignment with your integrity, with who you want to be and know yourself to be at the deepest level. 

 

A dear friend once asked me:  “So when do you stoop to their level?  At some point, don’t you just have to play their game?”.  My answer is this:  When do you want your character to be determined by another’s?  If you react in kind, you are allowing someone else’s level of spiritual and emotional development to determine your own.

                                                                                                                                 

In the memoir of his concentration camp experience, Victor Frankl describes this as the “last and ultimate human freedom”:  Between the moment of “being done to” and the moment of response, lies our power to choose. 

 

And that is the other fork:  The harder but more satisfying choice, long term.  The road to self-respect and self-esteem.  The choice to respond in a way that is consistent with your morals, your values, your integrity, your highest vision of yourself.  To be the captain of your own character.

 

This is why the Journey of Divorce can be such a powerful opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.  The journey gives us so many of these moments in which we are tested, and have one more chance to choose in a way that honors who we really are.

 

10 Things To Do If You’re Single in February

Valentine’s Day. It’s highly commercialized. You can’t escape it. From the jewelry ads on TV to the rows of red cards in every store, you’d have to go into sensory deprivation to avoid the emotional triggers of this ‘romantic-love’ holiday. And you don’t want to do that because you’ll miss the celebration of the other kinds of love in your life- the unconditional love for your children, the soul-sister affection for your best friend and the gratitude for all the people who make your life easier. And don’t forget the craving love of chocolate, coffee or other sinful delights! So here are some things you can do on Valentine’s Day (and all of February) to honor the loves of your life:

 

1. Venture into that card aisle, bypassing the sugary sweetheart cards, and purchase a few for family and friends. Reading the poems dedicated to parents or friendship may remind you of the blessings in your life.
2. If you love sugar or glitter, take advantage of the heart shaped box of chocolate (dark chocolate even has health benefits!) or pamper yourself with some new jewelry. You’ll most likely save money with the promotions this month!
3. Assemble all the special women in your life to join a tea party and make a seriously ill child smile at the Starlight Foundation’s Purses & Pearls’ fundraiser. More information can be found at www.starlightnewengland.org or 617-241-9911.
4. Call your best friends and ask for time. Even ten minutes of attention can push the loneliness away.
5. Cry. Wallow. Bemoan your lack of candlelit dinner or couples massage. But only for a short time. Take an hour or less to be sad or angry and then let it go. Acknowledge that life can be painful and difficult, but it also has joy and light. Don’t let this momentary situation define who you are.
6. Express your gratitude. Whether by email, handwritten notes or verbal comments, let the people in your life know you appreciate them.
7. Say thank you, compliment and smile at all the strangers who add joy to your day: the postal carrier who picks up your outgoing mail so you don’t have to schlep to the post office; the baronista at Starbucks who always gets your order right; and the teen who bags your groceries without ever crushing the bread. Enjoy the simple things that can work magic.
8. Be a secret cupid: ‘Adopt’ a single colleague or elderly neighbor and brighten their day with secret friendly notes, humorous gifts, etc. for the week leading up to Valentine’s Day. Then on the fourteenth, take them out to lunch or spend time with them. The fun you’ll have focusing on another person may be a highlight of your year.
9. Imagine your ideal Valentine’s Day, from sunrise to sunset. What would it look like and who would you spend it with? Are there ways to incorporate some portion of that picture into this year? If yes, go do it. If not, what obstacles do you need to overcome for it to happen in 2010? Then figure out a plan to accomplish this in the next 365 days.
10. Shake off the temptation to self-pity, and be your own valentine!  Write a love letter to yourself.  Sing love songs to yourself.  Acknowledge yourself for the beautiful, wise, wonderful person that you are.  You’ll be amazed at how empowering it is to be your own best friend!

The Best Thing You Can Do For Your Kids

It is our greatest worry, our deepest fear, our most pressing question:  How can I be the best possible parent for my children through this crisis?  How can I keep them feeling safe, secure, loved, amidst the turmoil of divorce?  How can I keep this experience from damaging them forever?

 

As the old saying goes, the answer is simple, but not easy.

 

The best way to care for your children through your divorce is by doing the work to take care of yourself.  Yes, I said “work”.  Because for most parents going through a divorce, taking care of their own needs – emotional, mental, physical and spiritual – comes dead last on the list of priorities.  There are so many other demands on our time, and money is tight, and we simply cannot justify taking the time to go to the gym, or get a good night’s sleep, or put structures in place like church or therapy which might provide perspective and support and healing.  I will admit, there are many times when I would rather stay home and eat ice cream than go to a therapy session.  But while ice cream may give me temporary gratification, it does not provide authentic “caring” for my body or spirit.  It is not the healthy work I need to do to take care of myself.

 

If you are having trouble taking care of yourself during your divorce, consider this:  in her book Difficult Questions Kids Ask (and are too afraid to ask) About Divorce, Dr. Meg Schneider argues that the best thing you can do to help your kids cope with divorce is to come to terms with your own feelings and emotions surrounding your divorce.  And that requires making the time to reflect, process, feel and heal the experience. 

 

Said another way, your children will match your energy.  The best means of ensuring that they weather this storm in an emotionally healthy way is to work on your own emotional health.  Your children will learn what you teach them through your own actions.

So go take care of yourself.  Go for a run.  Pray.  Confide in a friend.  Find a good therapist.  Do it for you.  Do it for your kids.