Reflections on a Journey

I write this column from the shores of the Atlantic, watching the crashing waves from the warm protection of my sturdy cottage, witnessing winter’s last gusts before spring takes firm hold of a New England April once again. It’s cold and rainy today, but the forsythia are in bloom and there is no doubt that after a long, dreary winter, a bright hopeful world is about to explode into being.

It reminds me of the journey our clients take when they first come to the Journey of Divorce Base Camp program. I remember one woman in particular — I’ll call her ‘Vicki’. When Vicki first came to Base Camp about nine months ago, her husband had just left, suddenly, to be with another woman, leaving Vicki alone with their three kids, a house to run, not enough money, and an ocean of anger and grief. It was a long, tough winter for Vicki, with her emotional weather mirroring the bitter cold and raging nor’easters outside.

But Vicki had found our program through a trusted friend, and over the fall and winter Di and I witnessed her courage as she began to shift. She realized that even though she had a lot to be angry about, she didn’t want her anger to define her. What she really wanted was to rediscover her own sense of personal power. She wanted to move forward. So, step by step, she “did the work” of the journey – she allowed herself to feel her feelings without stuffing them or venting them at her ex. She took a long hard look at her part of the dance of the marriage, what she was proud of and what she wanted to learn to do differently. She shifted her attention away from blaming him and instead began to focus on creating a better future for herself and her children.

Today, she is moving towards peace with her ex as they learn to co-parent the children they both love. She is happy, vibrant, and beginning to date again. She has weathered her emotional winter with courage, grace and compassion.

I am reminded of the Camus quote:  In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.

If you or someone you know is struggling through a divorce journey, I hope you will join us for our next Base Camp beginning on April 29. Let us help you rediscover your invincible summer.

Week Two of Base Camp- Finding a Higher Intention

The participant introductions during first week of Base Camp have people focus on their past and present circumstances, which are often mired in fear, pain and frustration due to the separation or divorce. And while it’s very important not to gloss over the difficult emotions, it’s equally important to have a vision of what life could be like in the future: months or years ahead, where the pain is shed and a stronger, happier and more confident self is revealed.

So in addition to the introductions, we also talk about hopes and visions of the future. What purpose do you want the divorce experience to serve for yourself? What can you learn, or discover, or become, out of this experience? Who do you want to be when this is over?’

This reflection allows group members to ‘set their compass’ in the direction of their future. To stop focusing on the past, and instead focus on what you want to create. I call this “finding a higher intention” for your divorce experience.

It is a potent reflection. One that, once committed to, can shape your every action. For example, if you decide you want to be strong and independent when your divorce is over, then you will begin to make decisions to learn new skills or implement strategies to achieve those qualities. Or if you want to find peace and contentment, then you will do the work to resolve past issues and perhaps forgive your ex (or yourself).

Setting a higher intention for your divorce journey allows you to focus on what is truly important to you – more important than how you are feeling in this moment. It provides a pause button, giving you a chance to breathe and recall what guides you. The Journey of Divorce can be a powerful opportunity for personal and spiritual growth. It gives you so many moments in which you are tested, and have one more chance to choose your path in a way that honors who you really are.

Week One Of Base Camp: The Divorce Story

[Disclaimer: Before I share anything about Base Camp, I want to discuss confidentiality. In every workshop we conduct, we set the standard that ‘what is said in Base Camp, stays in Base Camp.’ Therefore, I will not share anything discussed by the group members. Nor will these entries be examples of coaching with individual participants. We believe strongly in the sanctity of the group and maintain the highest levels of privacy at all times.]

During the first week of Base Camp, we ask group members to introduce themselves. This involves the typical information: name, age, residence, children, whether you know anyone else in the room, etc. Demographics you’d share with anyone.

Then the introduction gets personal. Each member is asked to share their divorce story- length of marriage, status of divorce process and whatever they are willing to share about the details of the break-up. We make it clear that there is no pressure or expectation to share – each person is encouraged to discuss as much or as little as they want.

Often, this telling of the divorce story is the first time the group member has told the whole story to people who have no personal investment in it. It allows the storyteller a chance to not filter the details and to experience whatever emotion comes up in that moment- anger, sadness, relief, anxiety. The group is a safe place to allow emotional expression, so a whole range is elicited and welcomed.

If you’ve had this opportunity to talk about your divorce unguarded, without interruption or pity, and with complete focused attention by the listeners, then you know it’s a powerful moment. When we inform others (our loved ones or colleagues), we sometimes edit the details- glossing over some of the grittiest moments or neglecting to identify our own behavior. Or maybe we suppress the emotion so it doesn’t upset the other person (resulting in us comforting them) or to paint ourselves in a positive light (that we’re not completely broken, or we’re not to blame). And we rarely get the response we need. Instead others bombard us with advice (“well, you should…”), pity, or their divorce stories — None of which are helpful.

So, as a coach, I love this initial meeting. I listen to each story and note the similarities and differences among them. And take mental notes so later on I can identify the progress made. For that is my favorite part of the process. Hearing the stories a second and third time, and noting how they have changed. For when I hear them again in the Trailblazer or weekend retreat, they are invariably different. The basics don’t change (who left whom and what occurred for that to happen), but after the work and learning of the Base Camp, there is a more reflective rendition and realization of the dual process of a break-up. There is growth and strength. And it’s amazing.