Things to Do in February (if you’re single)

A few years ago we started a newsletter tradition- a list of things to do in February if you are single. This year, we’ve expanded our ideas to include not only those who may find themselves dreading the celebration of romantic love, but also those who are looking to rediscover other ways to add more love to their lives:

1. Clean out your closets, basements, garages and get rid of those items that are holding you back. Dispose of them in the trash, or donate to charity (Big Brothers/Big Sisters will even come to the house to pick it up). Imagine how you can fill that space that once was clogged with things you didn’t need.

2. Seeing a movie can be expensive even without the popcorn and soda. If you love Boston-based cinema, check out the free movies at Suffolk University’s Modern Theatre. During the week of the 14^th, the theater will screen Dennis Lehane’s films – “Gone Baby Gone,” “Mystic River,” and “Shutter Island.” And on the last night, Lehane will join attendees to discuss his work.

3. Long to get out of town? The new World Wide Bus, which started its Boston area to N.Y. service in the fall, is offering a Valentine’s Day special promotion: free travel Monday, Feb. 14 through Thursday, Feb. 17. Enjoy the free WiFi and power outlets as you journey to the Big Apple- tickets available online starting Tuesday Feb. 8 at 10am.

4. Travel back in time at the new Art of the Americas wing at the Museum of Fine Arts. The new wing showcases more than 5,000 works of art produced in North, Central, and South America over the course of three millennia. It is a great chance to journey through history.

5. Create a new habit. It takes about twenty-one days to incorporate something new into your repertoire. By March, you could be eating more vegetables, exercising, reading more or incorporating other healthier activities into your routine.

6. Love wine, cheese… mead? Numerous wine cellars and shops offer tastings, classes and lessons. You can take Cheese 101 or sample free mead at Formaggio Kitchen in Cambridge, or stop by Best Cellars in Boston for daily tastings. (Visit websites for store hours and offerings)

7. Finish that project you’ve been dreaming of. Whether it’s painting the kitchen, building a 1000 piece puzzle, scrapbooking last year’s memories or tackling Stieg Larsson’s trilogy, use this month to accomplish and cross it off your list of things to do.

8. It’s hard to believe that Red Sox Spring Training begins the end of this month. With Opening Day only six weeks away on April Fool’s Day, it’s time to start learning about the winter trades and new players so you aren’t wondering Who’s on first and Why someone new’s in the outfield.

9. Be good to your heart. February is “Go Red for Women“, the American Heart Association’s campaign to increase awareness of heart disease and stroke in women. Although the National Wear Red Day was February 4, you can still band together with other woman and learn the how to keep your heart healthy.

10. Do nothing. Yes, nothing. Just relax and rest. Turn off your mind and put away the to-do list. You race around nonstop and juggle so much, doing everything for everyone. The greatest gift you can give yourself is time to just be

 

Mindfulness: Finding Balance and Joy in Everyday Life

As I gaze at the natural beauty outside my window today – waves crashing, gulls soaring, wind whipping the sea grass – it strikes me how much of my everyday life is spent NOT noticing. How often have I rushed through my morning routine not present, oblivious to the leaves dancing in the early fall breeze, the taste of my breakfast (today late summer strawberries with yogurt), the slight ache in my back – a sign that my body needs to be exercised. I’ve come to believe that this simple act of noticing is a key to finding balance and joy in life.

I’m not alone in that belief. I recently returned from a week-long retreat, one objective of which was to practice “mindfulness”, defined as “a calm awareness of one’s body, feelings, and consciousness”. Simple noticing, being in the present moment.

We were encouraged to be mindful of each of the four aspects of Self: body, emotions, intellect and spirit. Turns out most of us have a “home base” where we’re most comfortable. In our culture, that domain tends to be the Intellect. That’s certainly true for me. What am I doing in the morning, heedless of the dancing leaves, the ache in my back, the taste of my strawberries? I’m THINKING, planning, organizing, problem-solving, rehearsing the future and replaying the past. I am living in my head.

I spend so very little of my time paying attention to, let alone nurturing, the other aspects of my Self. No wonder I feel off-balance and vaguely unfulfilled! What about you? As you read the following descriptions, consider how present you are to your whole self:

Body: It’s been said that the body is the temple of the spirit, the vehicle the Universe has given us in order to carry out our purpose here on earth. Do you honor and care for your body with the respect it deserves? Or do you ignore or abuse it with junk food and alcohol, too little exercise and not enough rest? Do you heed your body’s messages, or override them?

Emotion: Some of us tend towards the “flatline” approach to emotions. We stuff, ignore, invalidate and discount them. We don’t feel our emotions, let alone express them. Others of us are “drama junkies”, seeking emotional highs and lows in order to feel alive, venting our emotions indiscriminately, regardless of the context. But how many of us are truly present to what we are feeling? I had a coach who used to say “emotions are the language of the soul, the voice of your internal wisdom”. Do you honor that voice, listening for its wisdom?

Intellect: The intellect is the source of discernment and insight, a wonderful tool for planning and strategizing, for analyzing and evaluating. Yet in our culture, many (myself included) over-value the intellect, at the expense of the other domains. We “live” in our intellect, analyzing every aspect of our lives, asking the intellect to take on tasks that belong to other aspects of Self – attempting to understand the mysteries of spirit, for example, or judging (and discarding) those intuitive hunches. How do you care for your intellect? Do you let it run rampant with judgment, catastrophizing, need for control? Or do you focus your intellect on thoughts that empower you? Do you allow your intellect to play with creative pursuits, expand it with worthwhile challenges, and allow it to rest??

Spirit: The spirit is the source of our wisdom and “natural knowing”, our connection to the greater Divinity (however you define that for yourself). It is the source of peace and love and generosity and compassion. Yet so often, we look for these states of being in our intellect (trying to “rationalize” our way there, for example, as with “positive affirmations”) or in our emotions (e.g. waiting to feel loving before we can be loving). How do you nurture your spiritual self? How do you connect with your spiritual essence, listening for its guidance?

Up until recently, I didn’t give these questions much thought in my day-to-day life. I was living in my head, all the while missing being fully present to my life. To bring more mindfulness to each aspect of Self, I’ve started a new daily practice. Each night before I go to bed, I light four candles, one each for Body, Emotion, Intellect and Spirit. As I light each candle, I reflect for a moment on whether and how I cared for each aspect of Self today, and what I will do tomorrow. It’s a practice in being present, a way of bringing myself into balance. One more step on the journey to wholeness.

This post was also published in the One Journey Consulting September 2010 newsletter.

Your Holiday List

Lately I’ve been reading a lot about the holidays: what to cook, how to decorate, what to buy (and what to ask for…). And gradually it dawned on me — these articles are all about what to do for others, or what to ask others to do for you!

Don’t get me wrong – I think “doing for others” is generous and noble and kind. Problem is, when you’re going through a divorce, there’s likely to be a whole lot of “doing for others”, and usually not an “Other” to do for you. So instead of experiencing the joy and peace of the holiday season, you probably find yourself feeling tired, stressed, resentful and lonely.

I want to suggest something different. What if, this year, the gift you give yourself is to be your own “Other?” What if you promise to treat yourself with kindness and compassion? And this year, give yourself those things that will inspire you, energize you, and fill you with joy and gratitude.

So I challenge you- instead of waiting for someone else to fulfill your dreams and desires, write your holiday wish list and then use the next few weeks to give yourself those gifts.

[Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting you max out your credit cards at the closest shopping mall. However, there is something gratifying to purchasing a long desired item. If your bank account can handle it, go for it. And do it guilt-free which is often more valuable than the item.]

So with the material item bought, here are some suggestions to put on your holiday list (and then begin granting them to yourself!)

• A good night’s sleep
• A delicious meal with a good friend
• An hour to really play with your children (with no distractions)
• An afghan, cup of tea and a great book/movie
• Lessons that empower you to enjoy the single life (mastering the grill, cooking a healthy meal or using a power drill)
• Permission to ask for help
• Financial wisdom (adhering to your monetary limits so January’s bills do not defeat you)
• Acceptance that this is your life right now
• Clarity to realize this doesn’t have to be your life in the future
• Courage to make the changes so you live the life you want

If you use this holiday as an opportunity to take a step in learning to be your own best friend, you’ll hopefully create a pattern that will continue all next year!

Finding Your Personal Power in Divorce

During my divorce, I struggled desperately with a pervasive, frightening sense of being unmoored and out of control. I felt whipped around by my ex’s actions, my emotions and the events swirling around me. One minute I was swept away with uncontrollable rage; the next, paralyzed with grief. I’d lost my center and my direction. Lost control over my life, my future, my self.

I have found this sense of powerlessness to be a common experience with divorcing individuals. The process itself is unsettling and life changing. Toss in erratic emotion and you have a recipe for a disempowering disaster. But fortunately, I’ve also witnessed my clients’ journeys to regain (or discover) their personal power.

How does this happen? How do you regain your sense of personal power when you feel so out of control?

Step One:  Recognize you always have choice.

Personal power comes from the recognition that you always have choice. While you may not have control over the events happening around you, you ALWAYS have a choice in how you respond and what those events will mean for your life.

For example: your husband left you for another woman. Understandably, this is a very difficult experience; it needs (and deserves) to be mourned appropriately. But you also can choose what this experience will mean for your life: Will you become angry, bitter, closed off from life? Or will you examine your contribution to the relationship – both the good and the bad? Will you use the experience, or will it use you? It all depends on the choices you make. That’s personal power.

Step Two:  Learn to Set Boundaries and say No.

But what if your spouse is a “controlling person”? How do you deal with them on their level? First, ask yourself: Do I want to deal with them on their level? When I look back on this, will I be proud of myself? Can this moment expand me – challenge me to grow in patience, clarity, wisdom, compassion, courage?

Second, you need to know that “controlling” doesn’t exist. It’s how you’ve interpreted some specific behavior. To be effective in setting boundaries, you need to see the behavior, not your interpretations of it. Does the other person lie? Break promises? Treat you rudely? Have strong opinions? What is the exact behavior you’re labeling “controlling”? Then learn to set limits and consequences for that specific behavior.

Step Three:  Know what you need, and make requests.

The flip side of saying “no” is asking for what you need. To do this, you need: clarity  about what you want/need, balanced with concern for the other person’s needs. In a divorce, most people only focus on getting THEIR needs met. But as we all know, that attitude simply sets up the next round of retaliation and win/lose. It takes wisdom and practice to hold another person’s needs equally important AND work towards a win/win. But it’s the only reliable path to getting what you need in the long run.

Step 4:  Honor your uniqueness, and contribute it to the world.

Nothing provides a deeper sense of personal power than contributing your self and your gifts to the world. Most of us were raised to believe it’s arrogant to acknowledge our strengths, so we exhibit an over-active “humility” that holds us back. As a result, our lives lack a sense of purpose and power. Learn to cultivate your unique gifts, and find ways to make a difference, in small ways, every day.

As Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says, “Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something.It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions.It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones.”

That’s a personal power we all can cultivate.

But I Didn’t Want To Hurt You . . .

I often hear this from clients:

“I didn’t tell my wife I was unhappy because I didn’t want to hurt her.”

“I haven’t told my children I’m sick because I don’t want them to worry.”

“I can’t tell my boyfriend I want to see other people because he’d be upset.”

In other words: “I can’t tell you the truth because I don’t want to hurt you . . .”

You have probably used this reasoning yourself, as justification for not speaking your truth.  I know I have.  The irony is that in trying to “protect you” by not speaking my truth, I am lying to you.  This causes enormous damage, not only to me, but to those I love, the very people I am trying to “protect”.

I first saw this with stunning clarity after my marriage ended.  I realized (with the help of a good coach) that I had spent years withholding from my husband just how unhappy I was, because “I didn’t want to hurt him”.  This withholding eventually led to the chain of events that ended our marriage.  And of course, he was deeply hurt, despite my attempts to “protect him”.  The truth will out eventually. 

So I know first-hand the devastation that is caused when we don’t speak our truth out of fear of hurting or angering someone.  The intention is good, perhaps, but it is based on an incorrect premise:  That I am responsible for how you feel. 

 Our feelings are determined by our thoughts.  Feelings are not “caused” by something outside of me.  You don’t “make” me angry – I get angry based on my thoughts about what you’ve said or done*.

A simple example:  Your ex is late (again) to pick up the kids.  How do you react?  With anger? (How can he be so inconsiderate of my time?)  With worry? (I wonder if something awful has happened!)  Or perhaps with pleasure? (This gives me a few more minutes with the kids).  One action, three different responses, based on your interpretation of the event.    

You are not responsible for my feelings.  And am I not responsible for yours.

In his book NonViolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg calls this confusion emotional slavery, where I think I’m responsible for your feelings, and I hold you responsible for mine.  The path to emotional freedom, he says, is to remember whose feelings I AM responsible for – my own.  I am responsible for generating them (by the thoughts that I think), understanding them, and learning from them.

The mistaken belief that I am responsible for your feelings (and you for mine) destroys my authentic self-expression and my sense of personal power.  It makes me a “victim” of your actions. It keeps the truth hidden and stops the flow of Life.  Out of fear of “hurting” you, I pretend that things are different than they really are. And you do the same with me.  We are all lying to each other, out of a false belief that we are protecting one another from pain.

This I know:  when I withhold my voice, my truth, I betray myself  And when I betray myself, I betray you.  So, the only way I can “hurt” you is by not being true to myself.  I’m reminded of Shakespeare’s words:

This above all:  to thine own self be true.  And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.

One last piece: 

The other day, my lover admitted that he had kept something from me, because he thought it might upset me.  This is my response:  If I become upset by your truth . . . so what?  I’m a big girl.  I can handle a little upset.  (Can you?)  Don’t patronize me by “protecting” me from your truth.  Give me the truth, and allow me my reaction.  Let me make the best decisions for me, based on your truth for you.   That is real love:  honoring me enough to tell me the truth.  Having the courage to face my reaction.  Not “protecting me” with withholds.    

The truth allows the future to unfold as it is meant to unfold.  My mentor used to say:  “The truth WILL set you free, but first it will piss you off.”  Allow your loved ones room for their emotions in response to your truth.  Be true to yourself, true to your loved ones, and true to the unfolding of Life.

 * There is a great deal of literature on this topic.  If you are interested in learning more, one good place to begin is Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence.  Or for a simple introduction, go to: http://www.mental-health-survival-guide.com/cognitive-therapy.htm

Are You a Survivor or an Enhancer?

When Theresa’s husband of 15 years announced he wanted a divorce, she was devastated. She says, “I couldn’t believe he was throwing away the life we had. He said he wasn’t happy. Well, I wasn’t happy either, but I was willing to stick it out! But I’m strong – I got through it. It was the worst time of my life, but I’ve moved on and put it behind me.” But has she?

Six years later, rather than co-parenting, Theresa and Alex “parallel-parent,” each one doing their own thing, with little communication between them. When asked about Alex, Theresa’s expression becomes tight-lipped and drawn. She still blames him for the failure of the marriage. Now remarried, she and her new husband, Tad, have a good relationship, but they often fight about the same issues that plagued her first marriage.

Barbara has a similar story, with a different ending. When Dan left her for another woman after 22 years of marriage, it sent Barbara reeling on an emotional roller coaster of rage, depression, blame, and self-pity. But after about a year, she shook herself off and began to reconstruct her life. She returned to school for accounting classes she’d always wanted to take. She moved into a smaller home and redecorated according to her own tastes. And, she attended therapy to learn about herself, and her role in the marriage.

Three years later, Barbara’s life is rich and full. After a contentious divorce, she and Dan have settled into an amicable co-parenting relationship. She enjoys her new bookkeeping job. And she is in the early days of a budding romance, in which she says she is “practicing some new relationship skills” that she realized she didn’t have in her marriage with Dan. She says the divorce ”turned out to be a surprisingly positive change for my life.  I would never have chosen this path, but Dan’s leaving was the push I needed to ask myself some tough questions: What did I want for my life? What was I good at? Not so good at? What could I learn from my marriage that might help me have a better relationship in the future? The divorce turned out to be the catalyst for my own personal growth”.

Barbara is what Dr. Mavis Hetherington calls an Enhancer. In her book For Better or For Worse, Hetherington describes Enhancers as those who use their divorce experience to expand themselves and their lives. Based on 30 years of research, Hetherington says that about 20% of divorcing people fall into this category (and most of these are women).

Theresa and those like her are Survivors, the 40% who get through the divorce experience pretty much the same as they were before. They rebuild their lives relatively successfully, but, years later these Survivors find that the same issues and frustrations, the same arguments and disappointments, have followed them to the next phase of life. Survivors move on, but they miss the opportunity to learn about themselves or enrich their lives.

If you are traveling the road of divorce, you may be wondering: What makes the difference? What are the keys to being an Enhancer rather than a Survivor?

Based on my research and the experiences of those in our Journey of Divorce workshops, there are four key elements to being an Enhancer:

1. Set your compass. I call this “answering the one question”. Your one question may go something like this: What do I want the divorce experience to contribute to my life? What do I want to learn? Who do I want to be when this is over? Reflecting upon these questions (and the answers that arise) will keep you on a path of learning.
2. Accept Responsibility. For your self, for your life, for your part of the breakdown of the marriage. You can’t learn if you don’t accept responsibility. “Victims” don’t become Enhancers.
3. Find Support. The John (and Jane) Waynes who want to solve their problems alone don’t do well in divorce. Enhancers seek support from friends, family, clergy, therapists – people who provide comfort plus objective feedback, and who challenge them when they succumb to ex-bashing or self-pity.
4. Repeat. The experience of divorce is a rollercoaster – one day you feel strong and capable, the next overwhelmed and depressed. Enhancers repeat steps 1-3 many times over the course of their divorce journey, sometimes daily. Resist being discouraged by the downturns in the rollercoaster. Return to Step 1.

On Being The Captain of Your Character

                                                                                               

Though not the master of one’s fate, one may still be captain of one’s soul.

                                    – Philip Brickman

 

Divorce can bring out the worst in people:  your ex (or his sister or her best friend) calls you unflattering names.  Or you discover your ex has misrepresented his finances or broken the terms of your custody agreement.  Or a couple you once considered good friends are now avoiding your calls.

 

Most of us will face a situation like this sometime in our divorce journey, a situation that triggers deep and powerful emotion.  And most of us will be tempted to react in kind, to fight fire with fire.  It’s only fair, we think.  They started it, we think.  I have to defend myself, we think.  The only sensible option – indeed the only option at all – seems to be to follow their lead and play their game.

 

Most of us set out on this divorce journey vowing to take the high road, to do it better, behave better, than the average divorcing couple.  And yet we find ourselves in the middle of some hard, emotionally charged situation and every fiber of our being wants to strike back.

 

This is the choice point. The fork in the road where you get to choose Who You Are, and Who You Want To Be.

 

Down one fork:  retaliate in kind.  Return deceit with deceit, criticism with criticism, cruelty with cruelty.  This path is very seductive.  And it offers enormous emotional relief.  Temporarily.    

 

But just like a drink for an alcoholic, or an ice cream for a sugar addict, the immediate rush of relief is intoxicating, but brief.  And it is followed, inevitably, by remorse and guilt.  Why?  Because this choice is not in alignment with your integrity, with who you want to be and know yourself to be at the deepest level. 

 

A dear friend once asked me:  “So when do you stoop to their level?  At some point, don’t you just have to play their game?”.  My answer is this:  When do you want your character to be determined by another’s?  If you react in kind, you are allowing someone else’s level of spiritual and emotional development to determine your own.

                                                                                                                                 

In the memoir of his concentration camp experience, Victor Frankl describes this as the “last and ultimate human freedom”:  Between the moment of “being done to” and the moment of response, lies our power to choose. 

 

And that is the other fork:  The harder but more satisfying choice, long term.  The road to self-respect and self-esteem.  The choice to respond in a way that is consistent with your morals, your values, your integrity, your highest vision of yourself.  To be the captain of your own character.

 

This is why the Journey of Divorce can be such a powerful opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.  The journey gives us so many of these moments in which we are tested, and have one more chance to choose in a way that honors who we really are.